20
Feb
16

I Am Done With Complicated Coffee

I had an epiphany this morning, standing in line at the Starbucks across the street from my office. No profound observations about Man and God or insights into Beauty, Nature, and What It All Means. Nothing that deep. It was, after all, 7:30 in the morning.

No, it was something more basic. More practical.

My epiphany was this: I’m done with “complicated” coffee. 

Yes, I Did Make Some Double Espresso Cups WIth The Taylor Bike Logo. You Know That You Want One…

 
Stated more precisely, I’m done with other people standing in line ahead of me ordering “complicated” coffee while us regular folks just want to get our java and bolt.

We all know what “complicated’ coffee is. And if you don’t, all that you have to do to find out is show up at just about any Starbucks or other “premium” purveyor of coffee and watch what people order. It’s your mocha frappicino. It’s your iced soy chai in a personal cup. It’s your skim, no whip, triple pump pumpkin spice latte. It’s any foo-foo drink that you’d care to describe. It’s the need to make a statement about personal empowerment masquerading as a beverage purchase.

And from the perspective of all of us waiting here at the back of the line, it’s a drink that takes a long time to order, and an even longer time to make.

Me, I’m not picky. Obviously. I drink whatever is brewed. Drip coffee, thank you. Maybe a shot of espresso, if it isn’t too much trouble. And I don’t hold out for “Sumatra” or “Pike Place Bold” either. Just make it strong and black. No cream or sugar. Like God intended.

This set me to thinking that there has to be a coffee place for those who just want a cup of joe and not have to wade through a lot of nonsense. I would call it “Just F*cking Coffee.” And there would be rules.

The rules would be the best part.

  • Coffee, and only coffee. Don’t start with that macchiato or frappachino crap. If you can’t ladle it or pour it out of an urn, we won’t sell it.
  • No coffee accessories for sale. No cups, no coffee presses, no espresso machines. No music CDs. Go pimp that crap somewhere else.
  • No gift cards. No credit cards. Cash only. Exact change appreciated. And especially no prepaid cards. From what I have observed from my spot at the end of the line, all of those Starbucks prepaid cards must be based on complicated arbitrages of obscure foreign currencies or negotiable instruments that must be reported to the SEC. They must, given all the receipts, signatures, and counter-signatures that appear to be necessary to complete a single sale. Paying for a cup of coffee simply cannot take that long, unless you are attempting to pay for your soy chai or latte using Romainian bearer bonds tied to Argentine peso futures or the Brazilian real.
  • You will get your coffee thrown at you if you are yakking on the phone or plugged in to an iPod while placing an order or paying.
  • WiFi? You won’t be here that long. Trust me.
  • The sugar and milk are over there, by the napkins, on your way out the door.

Am I missing anything?

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9 Responses to “I Am Done With Complicated Coffee”


  1. February 20, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    A breath of fresh air… But your business card needs to read, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way through

    • February 21, 2016 at 3:33 am

      Dude –

      That is such a righteous idea that I am contacting the printer as we speak.

      That said, I am willing to give my bike brothers and sisters a break. If you show up at my coffee shop on a bike, you can order whatever the fuck you want. Triple skim yak milk flat white in a personal cup? If you are on a bike, we will make it with a smile. Otherwise, bugger off.

  2. March 2, 2016 at 7:19 pm

    , I stumbled upon the name of a book that 2 of your stories are published in.

    Cycling’s Greatest Misadventures

    I ordered it. I would recommend it to any cyclist.

    I used to spend hours a day reading books, but since the interwebs, my reading has been more interactive and on screen.

    Until yesterday.

    I read the whole book in two sittings, mostly because I had other stuff to do last night.

  3. April 15, 2016 at 11:30 pm

    This coffee shop exists and it is wonderful. Cheap, angry coffee served with attitude. It’s your local gas station. Cups are stacked, coffee is black, pay your $1.25 and get the hell out. Frankly, it’s better than “Pike Place Blonde” by a long shot!


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