Archive for February, 2016


I Am Done With Complicated Coffee

I had an epiphany this morning, standing in line at the Starbucks across the street from my office. No profound observations about Man and God or insights into Beauty, Nature, and What It All Means. Nothing that deep. It was, after all, 7:30 in the morning.

No, it was something more basic. More practical.

My epiphany was this: I’m done with “complicated” coffee. 

Yes, I Did Make Some Double Espresso Cups WIth The Taylor Bike Logo. You Know That You Want One…

Stated more precisely, I’m done with other people standing in line ahead of me ordering “complicated” coffee while us regular folks just want to get our java and bolt.

We all know what “complicated’ coffee is. And if you don’t, all that you have to do to find out is show up at just about any Starbucks or other “premium” purveyor of coffee and watch what people order. It’s your mocha frappicino. It’s your iced soy chai in a personal cup. It’s your skim, no whip, triple pump pumpkin spice latte. It’s any foo-foo drink that you’d care to describe. It’s the need to make a statement about personal empowerment masquerading as a beverage purchase.

And from the perspective of all of us waiting here at the back of the line, it’s a drink that takes a long time to order, and an even longer time to make.

Me, I’m not picky. Obviously. I drink whatever is brewed. Drip coffee, thank you. Maybe a shot of espresso, if it isn’t too much trouble. And I don’t hold out for “Sumatra” or “Pike Place Bold” either. Just make it strong and black. No cream or sugar. Like God intended.

This set me to thinking that there has to be a coffee place for those who just want a cup of joe and not have to wade through a lot of nonsense. I would call it “Just F*cking Coffee.” And there would be rules.

The rules would be the best part.

  • Coffee, and only coffee. Don’t start with that macchiato or frappachino crap. If you can’t ladle it or pour it out of an urn, we won’t sell it.
  • No coffee accessories for sale. No cups, no coffee presses, no espresso machines. No music CDs. Go pimp that crap somewhere else.
  • No gift cards. No credit cards. Cash only. Exact change appreciated. And especially no prepaid cards. From what I have observed from my spot at the end of the line, all of those Starbucks prepaid cards must be based on complicated arbitrages of obscure foreign currencies or negotiable instruments that must be reported to the SEC. They must, given all the receipts, signatures, and counter-signatures that appear to be necessary to complete a single sale. Paying for a cup of coffee simply cannot take that long, unless you are attempting to pay for your soy chai or latte using Romainian bearer bonds tied to Argentine peso futures or the Brazilian real.
  • You will get your coffee thrown at you if you are yakking on the phone or plugged in to an iPod while placing an order or paying.
  • WiFi? You won’t be here that long. Trust me.
  • The sugar and milk are over there, by the napkins, on your way out the door.

Am I missing anything?


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